One things I've realised over the course of the past few weeks: children can seem fussier when you are tired and sick and when they are tired and sick. Especially young children, who are unable to explain themselves or suggest alternatives.
I am speaking of course about Daniel and his recent long bout of runny nose and fevers. His appetite dipped a bit starting about 2 weeks ago, and at first, as we were unawares of his prolonged illness, we thought he was just being fussy about food. But when I subsequently caught his bug, I experienced first hand what he must have been going through -- a terribly tighness in the throat, an inability to swallow without pain in the ears & throat and a swelling big headache all the time. Poor kid. He wasn't being fussy about food. He simply lost his appetite.
It is sometimes hard to know when to be strict with a kid and when to let him have some slack. And when you are the one that is tired and sick, everything a kid does can seem annoying, rude, inconsiderate and bad. Don't touch that. Stop putting that in your mouth. Stop hugging your brother lest you pass him your disease. Put that down. Stop jumping. Stop standing. Stop singing. SIT DOWN. That is when I have to be the one to STOP. Breathe. And think. Am I the one that is being a bit too difficult here?
Well, anyway. I just wanted to share that it's not easy being a sick mother. It's not easy being a mother. Period.
But I do thank God for Daniel. Actually, despite all my ranting above, I do know that he is a good kid. Eager to please. Listening to instructions. Responding to discipline. Very bright & happy. It's strange how the diseased human heart, combined with a diseased body, can make even a good-natured child seem like the worst most horrid child in the world. I think there is something in me that is never quite content with the current state of affairs. And after some reflection, I have come to realise that that something in me is called, simply, sin. It is the inability to be quiet and restful and content before God, before what God has blessed me wth, before what I have been given. It is the inability to enjoy feeling joy in my heart and to simply rest in it. It is the inability to love unconditionally, in spite of a splitting headache, achey bones and a painful cough.
And yet, God through His Son Jesus gives us the ability ... to rest in Him.
So I'm praying every day for it... Amen.